Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
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2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
BETRAYAL
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Saturday
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.