Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]