If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
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FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
black phone good
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”