Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
termite twitter scares me
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 馃槈
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
All I鈥檓 saying is anyone who thinks it鈥檚 a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104掳 day.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn鈥檛 intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.