[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
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“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
that de-escalated quickly
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
New menu item
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty