Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes