I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Great Canadian literature.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
waiting for halloween be like:
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.