Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
she has a point
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.