I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
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Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If only.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I will never stop laughing at this
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
being a writer on Twitter:
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children