“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
You Might Also Like
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
This made me chuckle.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…