It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
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– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*