what the hell pray for carter everyone
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Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
kids play hide and seek like
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Oh my God.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape