before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE