Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him