Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
You Might Also Like
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
FRED: right
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Can’t stop laughing
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS