Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”