I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.