My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.