When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
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[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?