How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
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Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]