The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
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Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago