While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
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What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out