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Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.