If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
greetings!
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.