God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
finally
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*