My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I’m going to need a moment here.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.