if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
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me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My spirit animal is fried chicken
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Is this you?
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me