zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.