[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
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i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
This pepper has seen some shit
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
guys I’m going home
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.