*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
79.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.