person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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I am never leaving this website
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
#winning
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
There is no “we” in pizza
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk