*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
🤣😂
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?