Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
You Might Also Like
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
So inspired right now.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?