greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
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My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.