I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
You Might Also Like
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
HR said no more nunchucks.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..