If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
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looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.