My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
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First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
this isn’t threatening at all