There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
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[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
LOOOOOOL
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.