if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
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Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
San Francisco has too many rules
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.