Guilty! 🤪
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You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Ion see the issue
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
absolute chaos
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.