My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
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yall want some gasoline milk
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
My dog ate my work from home.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!