I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
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Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me