When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Thoughts