No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
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I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel