ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
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COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles