me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
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[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?