Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
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God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets