Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
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My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!