It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Whoa 😂
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
i actually laughed 😩
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class