Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*